Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tis the Season for Melancholy
My oldest son lives in Sacramento. Way too far from Tennessee. I keep tabs on him by reading his blog. 2007 has been hard on him, and he very recently overcame a horrible bout of anxiety that kept him sidelined for most of the year. While I'm reflecting back, and trying to deal with the fact that I've suddenly become so old, I realize that it isn't something that happens just to parents. Children have their own anguish, memories, and regrets. I hijacked my son's blog, but I don't think I risk threats of a lawsuit by sharing it with you. I hope after you read it, you'll take a look at the Myspace page he created as a tribute to a dream that failed. The success he was denied by the public will always be recognized by his mom. I love him so much, my heart hurts.
Okay...The other day, I noticed that a magazine called Alive & Kicking had posted all of the covers they have had over the years. A band that I used to be in was on a couple of them, so I checked it out...even added the photos to my Myspace page.
And it got me feeling nostalgic. And then it got me feeling sad. Mostly because, while I thought we were a fantastic band with a lot of fans, nobody had ever made a Myspace page for us.
And so I did...I created a Myspace page for our band...a band that broke up over five years ago.
But while I was doing it, I felt like a loser. I felt pathetic because I was spending my time showing off something that doesn't even exist anymore. And I realized that the greatest achievement of my life has been dead for a long time.
And I guess I just wanted to be remembered. I mean, as time passes, people are going to forget that we actually accomplished something, once upon a time. Since we don't play anymore, nobody buys our records...our website was removed a long time ago, due to non-payment, and even if I Google the band name, the thousands of hits that were once there are dwindling.
Its like my own personal "Back to the Future" and the photo of my past is slowly disappearing. And I will never be that guy again.
So I created a page for this band, but I felt so ashamed that I pretended that I was someone else while I was doing it. I wrote the whole thing as if I were an outsider.
I was trying to hide my ego and my embarrassment. I didn't want anyone to know that I actually spent all that time on my past...who does that?
I'll tell you who does that...a loser, that's who.
So there...I have confessed. And I don't feel any better, either.
Confessing is bullshit.
But anyway, I'm leaving the page up...and I will add to it. And I will pay attention to it, regardless of if anyone else does. But I will still pretend that I am someone else when I do it.
I have to.
Check it out...add them as your friends. They were great guys.
Magnolia Thunderfinger (http://www.myspace.com/magnoliathunderfinger)