I would like to take a minute to give thanks to my mom on Mother's Day.
My mom is fantastic. She's probably better than your mom. As a matter of fact, unless she royally f**s up between now and the time one of us dies, I'm pretty sure she's going to win the "Best Mom Ever" award.
A lot of people would take this opportunity to brag about all of the great things that their moms have done, but my mom taught me the art of taking something negative and making it a positive. So, I will now brag about a few things that my mom DIDN'T do…and I am pretty sure it will make the case for her awesomeness.
1. When she was frustrated with me as a baby, she didn't shake me so hard that my brain stem or spinal cord was damaged in a permanent fashion. She shook me just the right amount. And you need to understand something…this was the sixties, man. They didn't have those fancy doctorin' machines like they do today…the ones that prove that you shook your baby to death. She totally could have killed me and got away with it. But she didn't…two thumbs up for not killing me, mom!
2. If she ever touched my butt**** or my weiner, there was a damn good reason. You think that's not important? Well, check it out…I know a guy whose mom touched his business in a "bad" way and that dude is real screwed up now.
3. Once, when I was about seven, some lady cut my mom off and took her parking space. My mom pulled that b***h out of her window by the hair and proceeded to beat the ever-loving **** out of her…but dig this – When my mom returned to our car, she didn't lie and tell me that violence never solves anything.
4. My mom knew that my attention span was short. She didn't waste both of our time by trying to teach long, drawn out lessons…she slapped me and screamed, "No!"
5. My mom never lied and told me that I was special and that I could do anything I wanted. She was calling me an idiot and a jerk way before it became so popular.
6. Ever worried about the economy, she didn't stop smoking and drinking while pregnant with me.
7. When I threatened to run away at the age of four, she didn't make me feel guilty by crying and begging me to stay. She packed my suitcase.
8. She never made me look like a mama's boy by driving me the five miles to school in the rain.
9. When the teacher inquired about my bruises, my mom never told me to lie and say, "I fell down." She told me to tell the truth. Adding, "Maybe they will give you to some family who likes you."
And most importantly, she would never read something like this and not laugh.
My mom is my pal. I got this sense of humor from her.
I love you, mom!
NOTE FROM GINGER: He always makes me laugh, even when he involves me in his weird memories. I can't fault him for his creative ability, and just to prove I'm as warped as he is, here is the response I posted on his blog entry:
I have to make this quick. Thanks for honoring me on your blog, but I have to go now. Evidently more people read your ramblings than you know. The people from Child Protective Services are here and trying to cuff me while I type. Seems there is no statute of limitations on child abuse and they just don't get your weird sense of humor. Guess I'll be having dinner in some lowly Tennessee jail tonight. How can I thank you?
I copied this from my son's blog, but cleaned it up a bit with *s. If you'd like to read more from him, I warn you, he can sometimes be graphic, but always creative and entertaining. Click here to see more Skid's Blog