Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Shoulder to Lean On...

While I respect each person's right to choose to believe in a supreme being or not, I'm always puzzled when I look around, and even in the grimmest of times, find beauty and awesome sights that cement my belief in God. I wonder how those who don't have that strength to lean on find peace when they need it most. Especially now, with so much in this world about which to worry: Swine Flu, terrorism, the end of the world as we know it. I want to share something I wrote some time ago when I faced a very difficult time in my life. I hold onto to that moment when I find myself immobilized with fear. More than anything, I want to live to see my grandson grow and thrive. He's my light and God's greatest gift to me.

We Never Walk Alone - By Ginger Simpson

It wasn’t a time I wanted to be alone, but the divorce had been my idea. I couldn’t live with a man who cherished alcohol more than he did me. I’d given him every chance to change, but he didn’t. Now, for the first time, I lived alone in an apartment. Most people move out on their own between high school and college, but I waited until I was almost fifty for the experience.
The streetlight in the parking lot filtered through the blinds and cast wavy shadows across my bed. Tears burned the back of my eyes. Tomorrow, I faced having a hysterectomy because the doctor feared I might have Ovarian Cancer. Now that I’d settled down for the night, the panic I’d fought since hearing his chilling words seized my heart. And I had no one to comfort me… at least no one made of skin and bones. The very worst thoughts passed through my mind and created a giant lump in my throat. I turned where I always do when I’m scared.
I prayed. “Dear Lord, I’m so frightened. I don’t want to die. I have so much I want to do yet in my life, and my youngest son still needs someone to give him guidance. I know I’ve put him in your hands, Lord, so many times, but I sometimes think you have bigger fish to fry than the problems of one rebellious boy.”
The Lord and I have a good relationship. Although I never could brag, like the televangelists I’ve watched, that God spoke to me, personally, but this time was different. I finished my prayer, sobbing and hoping God heard me. Questioning, actually, if he even existed. Loud and clear, in the darkness of my room, a booming voice responded. Nothing eloquent, not a lengthy conversation, just “You’ll be fine.”
The words were so clear that I turned on the light and glanced around the room. As I suspected, there was no one else there… at least no one I could see. I switched off the lamp, puzzled by the experience, yet realizing that the tension, fear, and concern had all melted away. I believed those assuring words and found the sleep that earlier evaded me. The next morning, at the hospital, an unusual calm surrounded me like comforting arms, and I went into surgery knowing I wasn’t alone.
God tells the truth. The biopsy results of my removed ovaries were benign. And although I have no witness to bear testimony to my claim, I know I heard God that fateful night, I know I did. I’m not sure if he spoke in a voice others could hear or if he spoke to my heart. Nonetheless, he strengthened my faith and taught me that you don’t always have to see or touch something to know that it truly exists. We never walk alone as long as we have our belief.


Anita Davison said...

A lovely story, Ginger and I'm so glad you found reassurance during what was obviously an awful time for you. I cannot comment on the existence, or not, of a 'supreme being' - but I would like to know why, if the problem with your ovaries was not life threatening, did the surgeons feel the need to give you a hysterectomy!
I think our earthly 'supreme beings' i.e. doctors, need second guessing sometimes.

Kim Smith said...

I am thankful to have friends like you, Ginger. It's a great comfort to know that having faith guides us through troubled times, yes, but even greater still, to know we will be together in the better place one day. Great post! Happy Sunday!

Lillie Ammann said...

I've never heard a voice but I've felt complete peace in a difficult situation and a confidence that everything would work out. I believe those times I was experiencing the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Other people I know have actually heard a voice so I know it's real.

Ginger Simpson said...

I'm sure because he 'assumed" the ultra sound showed a mass, that I had cancer. As it turned out, the ovary did have a growth that made it flip, thus the cork-screw pains. I can't complain...actually having the big H was a blessing. Now I don't have to worry about diseases of the feminine parts. *lol* It was his delivery of his diagnosis that was most disturbing..."I think you have ovarian cancer, and never in all my years of practice have I had a patient survive it." Great bedside manner.

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