Dishin' It Out: Welcome, Jim Whitaker

Jim is fast becoming one of my favorite guests. I love his humor, and I always appreciate his willingness to share his creatively funny mind with us. Here's his latest offering emailed to me:

A Few Tips for Making it Through Life

By Jim Whitaker

The world is rough. We all need some plan, some strategy to get us through life, some way we can jump over the pitfalls and conquer the challenges. Here are a few strategies for getting through the day. I make no guarantees. That’s the legal disclaimer.

If you're going to paint the house, once you decide what color to paint the house, just replant bordering shrubbery of the same color so you don't have to worry about paint spills. Of course, that takes up so much of your time that you might not get the house painted. Oh, well, can't have it all.

If you have ants in the kitchen try this. We had ants in the kitchen. A tried and true remedy, we sprinkled cayenne pepper around the kitchen counter to dissuade them. Granted, all we got was sneezing ants. Then they came back the next day wearing tiny gas masks and hazmat suits. They must have been army ants. At least they looked like they were wearing hazmat suits – maybe I ingested a little too much of that cayenne pepper myself.

If you’re going to drop your glasses, make sure you listen for the sound of where they land. If you’re going to drop them on carpet make sure you yell “everybody quiet” before they land. And if you can’t yell “everybody quiet” try “everybody listen.” And if you do that make sure you blame losing your glasses on the fact everybody was talking too loud.

If you’re going to assemble it yourself, skip to step 10, ignoring the other steps. And if you’re going to skip to step 10, fork out the $25 to have the store assemble it for you.

If you’re going to hang a picture without first finding the wall stud, make sure it’s in a very heavy and expensive, yet fairly breakable frame. If it’s in a cheap frame just set it on an end table - where the cat is sure to knock it off.

If you’re going to park on a public street, make sure you park as close as possible to the rear of the car ahead of you. Otherwise the car crowding in behind your car just, well, just won’t have enough room to easily get out of its space although its driver isn’t leaving until 45 seconds after you’ve spent 10 minutes struggling to get out of your space.

If you’re not going to make a duplicate set of car keys, make sure the only set you have is left in a very inconspicuous place. And if you do that, make sure you tell nobody else where that place is so later they can say “I don’t know what you did with your keys. Do I look like a mind reader to you?”

If you’re going to depend on someone being a mind reader, make sure they really are. And if you’re going to do that, stop using your mind whenever you get within 10 feet of them to avoid embarrassing discussions on where you left your keys.

If you’re going to let the cat go outside because you’re tired of all its meowing and crying, make sure it’s meowing and crying so much because it’s in heat. And if you’re going to do that, make sure you blame not getting the cat to the vet last month on not being able to find your keys.

If you going to ignore someone and then blame it on the fact that you couldn’t hear them, make sure you’ve lost your glasses first.

If you’re going to forget three out of the four items you’ve been sent to the store for, blame it on omissions to the grocery list. And if you’re going to do that, make sure you leave the grocery list on the kitchen counter in plain sight where it can be easily discovered while you’re still at the store -- still at the store trying to compensate by guessing what was on the list you didn’t really bother to read in the first place and buying $69.95 worth of stuff not even closely resembling the list that would have totaled $1.82.

If you’re going to buy new furniture, make sure you keep the oldest, most rickety chair with wheels so you’ll have an extra ladder when you need it. And if you’re going to do that make sure you store only frequently needed items on the uppermost shelves.

If you’re going to bring a new coffee table home, make sure you place it the middle of the most traffic-worn area of the carpet and crowd the area around it with other furniture, especially if the new coffee table has really sharp corners. And if you’re going to do that, just put a sign on the coffee table that reads “Please Step Over” especially if the coffee table has a glass top.

If you’re going to buy a barbeque grill, buy two: one very expensive gas grill with all the newest features and one very cheap charcoal grill. You’re going to need the cheap grill for when you leave the expensive one uncovered out in the snow to rust.

If you’re going to sell your house and you’re going to paint the rooms, make sure the paint you bring home mismatches your new drapes by at least 10 shades and four or so hues. And if you going to do that make sure the open house is this weekend.

If you enter the same room as your wife and daughter when the "discussion" between them restarts from the night before, immediately clear a path so it'll be easier to escape when the argument from the night before reignites.

If you’re going to drop in on someone, make sure it’s a complete and utter “SURPRISE!!!! You weren’t fixing dinner, were you?”

You know, you may not really want to follow any of these suggestions. But, hey, they work for me. See you for dinner.