Thursday, February 3, 2011
So Little Time, So Much to Do
In 2003, my best friend, Pat, died from Pancreatic Cancer. She never smoked, didn't drink and took really good care of herself. But none of that mattered when the doctor delivered the diagnoses and gave her 6-9 months to live. Watching her fade into a mere shadow of herself was more than I could stand. There was nothing I could say or do to make things easier, and often I felt that my being there and being healthy just didn't seem fair. I didn't get to tell her goodbye because I didn't realize that tomorrow wasn't coming for her when I put off visiting one more day. I miss her more than I can say. and I hope she knows how much she meant to me...still means to me because she's in my thoughts so often.
I've been giving a lot of thought to how much of my life I spend on the computer, blogging, emailing, promoting, etc.. This sedentary life is taking a toll so I really need to give some thought to what's important to me. I've already resigned from book reviewing at Examiner.com, and I'm going to go no mail on most of the Yahoo loops that I only skim now. I need to devote more time to my grandson, because if I have one goal before I leave this world, it's to see him kick Autism's butt! I really want to hang around as long as I can, if only for him.
I don't mean to sound maudlin, but turning sixty-five has really been much more depressing than I imagined it would be. There's a difference between approaching a time when you'll be a card-carrying senior citizen and actually becoming one. What happened to that thirty-five year old person I was just a few days ago? She's definitely not in the mirror anymore. I've even forced myself to fill out a living will so no one will have to make decisions on my health care. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, but I've watched what my sons have gone through every time their dad wasn't expected to make it another day. I never want to put them in the position of deciding whether or not to pull the plug.
I talked to my Mom today, and I really wanted to ask her if these kinds of thoughts occur to her. Is she afraid of dying. Is her faith so unshaken that she doesn't question everything she's believed her entire life? She just turned eighty-six in November and although I haven't seen her for a few years, she sounds full of energy and like the mom I remember when I was forty four and she was the age I am now.
I realize how depressing this blog is, but it's almost 3 A.M. and I'm fighting off a panic attack by sharing my innermost feelings with you. So, I guess I'll try to go back to sleep and perhaps dream of something more cheerful. I hope Heaven is all I picture it to be, and when my time comes, I'll find Pat waiting for me under the shade of a big tree where we can sit and catch up on old times.
Now that I've totally depressed everyone...how prepared are you? Do you think about how much time you have left? A wise person once said, "treat everyday like it's your last because you never know when it might be."