Friday, April 1, 2011

April Fools

Okay, I stopped pulling pranks on people years ago...right after I told my son his ex-girlfriend called and said she was pregnant.  Two days later, she turned up at the door with her mother, both of them in tears.  You shouldn't only be careful what you wish should be careful what you joke about.  That little rib tickler is almost seventeen years old now.

This has been a crazy week, so it's perfect that it ends on a day for fools.

Monday, I went to the doctor for a re-check, ended up having seven vials of blood drawn, and they didn't even give me a cookie and juice. I can't even recall what the recheck was for, but at about quarter to five, I got a call from the nurse, telling me my potassium showed as seriously low.  She was calling in a prescription and I needed to get it right away and come back in two days for another blood draw.

I'm not a fan of pills, especially ones that are big enough to choke a horse.  Fortunately, when I got out my magnifying glass and read the fine print, these whoppers could be dissolved and put into liquid.  Boy, is the last sip crunchy, but they warn you not to chew the crystals. I worried about all the side affects listed on the sheet that came with my RX, but acid reflux seemed to be the worst of it. For two nights I slept in the recliner, and now have a stiff neck and sore back.  Great!

Wednesday, I went back and had more blood drawn to see if the pills had elevated my potassium level.  I haven't heard anything yet so I assume I'm not on the emergency list.

Today, I returned to the doctor for a bone density test.  Never had one, didn't know what to expect.  Instead of removing my blouse and bra, this time I just had to remove my jeans.  Of course they provide you with paper shorts.  I'm here to tell you that one size does NOT fit all.  Those shorts were so tight, I expected the seam to explode any minute.  Amazingly enough, the paper held and withstood movement.  I'm thinking NASA might be interested in them.  The test was a piece of cake, but I wonder if the outcome will mean yet another pill.

Next week, I go for a long overdue mammogram.  This is all part of my "senior citizen physical" which Medicare urges you to get.  My doctor is a cutie pie and tells me I don't look my age.  He also tells me I'm in great shape compared to a lot of his patients.  Just wait till he has to lift my arms to find my boobs for the breast exam.  *lol*  I haven't ever had to disrobe for him.  I don't know who to feel sorrier for.  Thank God, I don't have to have a pelvic exam.  I was worried about the echo it might cause.  *think'll get it eventually.*

I don't know who said "women are like wine, they get better with age," but I'd like to have a serious discussion with him/her.  My body is on a downhill slide and there's nothing I can do to stop it.  I used to have bare elbows and knees, but now they are covered by little flaps of skin that used to be part of my upper arm and leg. My lips have all but disappeared, and whatever held up my neck has shifted down...right beneath my breasts and above my belt line to create a shelve.  If I didn't know better, I'd think my body was metal and I had magnets in my socks.  Honestly, wine and I have nothing in common, unless the bottle has a wrinkled label and tastes like vinegar.

Well, I see it's time to go take my potassium pill...or drink it.  Perhaps I should add it to that fine wine we just talked about.  Heck,  maybe I'll just dissolve it in the bottle.  If I remember correctly, things always look much better in an alcoholic stupor.  Shucks...I can't drink...more fine print on the side of my RX bottles.

I hope I didn't scare any of you younger people.  I'm just trying to prepare you for what's to come.  I keep asking my mom why she didn't warn me.  "Would you have believed me?" she asks.  I'd have to say no.  I had no idea what aging did to a body.  You have to be naked to appreciate the wrath. I think Mother Nature wrote the first horror story.

Here's looking at you, kid.  Do me a favor and don't look back.  *lol*


Molly Daniels said...

LOL:) Sounds as if you're like me and better watch what you say in jest! I very snappishly told a b/f I was going to wreck my car and it be HIS fault for waking me up too early....hello, six hours later, I fell asleep at the wheel and totaled my car. Oops...

And three years later, one of my BFF's told me he was getting married. Knowing he didn't even have a g/f, I joked, 'Btw, I'm pregnant, and due around the same time as your wedding!'

Five hours later, I called him from the hospital and reminded him of our earlier teasing. "Only, it turns out I wasn't joking...I'm about to undergo emergency surgery for a tubal pregnancy!"

Yeah, I've learned to watch what I say!!!

Roseanne Dowell said...

What a great April 1st posting. You're really much too hard on yourself. Maybe our bodies are falling apart, but sweetie, at least you have your humor to fall back on and keep you going. I went to the podiatrist yesterday and he told me the problem with my feet is my back. Sure, my back hurts, I have arthritis in my lower back and hip, but how does that affect the bottom of my feet. I think he just didn't want to ask how I expected these size 7 feet to hold up this big body? Of course they're screaming. I know I have heel spurs and he never even xrayed for them. He did tell me to wear good shoes. Um...I'm diabetic - medicare pays for one pair of shoes a year, did he offer them? No, I had to ask. So now, supposedly he put in a request. We'll see how far that goes. I'm still going to have to pay sixty dollars for them, but Medicare pays the other eighty percent. That's a lot of money to pay for shoes you're not even crazy about - certainly won't make a fashion statement, but at this point in my life, I'm in it for comfort.

Tara said...

Funny! Not funny that you are going through all this cause it does not sound like fun, but funny post. At least you have a sense of humor about it all.

I'm crossing my fingers regarding your upcoming mammo.

Unknown said...

What can I say? I LOVE the way you write. Like a hammer beating on my head. Your doctor's view of your breast exam...oh my gosh Ging.

I'm still laughing...gotta go I really really hope you feel better and your potassium levels are up goodness knows your sense of humor is off the charts.

Larion aka Larriane Wills said...

i had something really witty to say along with your comments, but i've forgotten what it was. it was really funny too. even made myself laught. oh, well, maybe next blog i'll remember it. as usual, did the chuckles. how true it is.

Barbara Ehrentreu said...

LOL I went through that physical and wound up with 3 kinds of pills. Then I went to the endocrinologist and add two more kinds. This time I went to the endocrinologist he found my A1C was too high and added another pill for my diabetes upping my dose to double what I take now. I don't understand because I feel good (knock wood)

I understand about your body too, because mine is on that same downhill slide.:) You are too funny!

Anita Davison said...

Roseanne is right, you are far too hard on yourself, Ginger - I think you're amazing. Your ability to take the rise out of yourself in such an eloquent way always makes me laugh - may you never change! Love ya.

Anonymous said...

Haha, I came over here to read the reviews you posted from Eternal Press's link, and I started reading more. I identify with your post here. It all seems to happen so quickly. No matter how I exercise, the skin just isn't that beautiful, shiny tight stuff. And organs apparently drop too. It's all lovely, isn't it? But, it helps to talk to other women facing the same things! Thanks for sharing :)

Patricia Esposito

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