Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Blossoms are in Bloom, the Boobs are in a Vice...

Yes, it's the lovely time of year when the doctor dictates a mammogram.  As I sat in the waiting room, clad in my thin hospital gown, eyeing the "crusher", I had a revelation.  It isn't the actual picture-taking experience I hate, it's having a strange woman handle my breasts...having to stand in front of the machine, limp armed, while she picks up each breast and plops them on the waiting tray so she can lower a plastic flattening plate to see how long and thin she can get my boob.

After all these years of suffering the pain, at least the tech today explained the procedure hurts more if you don't relax your shoulders.  I assumed a less rigid stance and she's right. Poor posture eased the discomfort... but not the embarrassment.  I knew what was going through her mind..."boy, these puppies are looong... and heavy... and check out the shelf she's growing around her middle." 

Plus, this is the first time I've had someone put little sticky circles beneath each breast to mark the skin tags I've grown in the past years. If I was a farmer, I could consider I've harvested a hefty crop, but alas...  What the hell?  How come men don't have to suffer crap like this?

Anyhow, my revelation also included an brilliant idea.  For years, we've had those little photo booths where you step in, draw the curtain and have your picture taken.  Why not create a Mammo booth?  Have an instruction screen on the wall behind the "mashing" plates, and let us do our own.  I'll bet my next month's royalties that the number of women having the screening would increase.  I'm pretty sure I can heft my own tit up on a tray and hit a pedal to lower the boom.  Think of the money saved...no more gowns, no more techs...and your films would be ready in a minute.  *lol*  Great idea, huh?  Remember, you heard it here first.


Marie Higgins said...

You are so funny, Ginger! Keep in mind...the woman helping has probably seen bigger and flatter boobs in her career. As for men...they do have to suffer. Doctors grab their balls and tell them to cough - or they stick a finger up their butt... So for me, I'll stick with having my boobs flattened. (grins)


Marva Dasef said...

Good idea, Ginger. That removes the embarrrassment part, but you're still stuck with the pain part, so I don't know how many would use the self-imposed torture device.

I use my mom as the canary in the mine. She gets annual mammos. If she ever has a problem, may I'll get another. I did a couple of years ago to discover it had been ten years since the previous. I figure I have another eight years before I have to get another.

I believe I read statistically that most breast cancer is discovered by self-examination. At least you can make yourself feel good while doing that. (Did I really type that last thing?)

Viviane Brentanos said...

Oh you make me titter, Ginger. One plus side of two-times masectomy is not having to go through the mammogram torture. And Marfa, you're right. Most lumps are discovered by self-examination. Trouble is, if u have heavy boobs, a deep lump is not alwats easy to feel. Often ultra sounds are used. I was lucky in that I found mine because I had been ion a mega diet and my boobs had shrunk.
A word; if there is a history in yor family, once every two yars is not enough. My second tum,our went from zero to 2,5 cm inless than a year

Anne Patrick said...

Hilarious post, Ginger! Seriously though, women should get a mammo as often as their doc suggests. I talked to a woman this morning who just went through a total mastectomy four weeks ago. She had done monthly self examinations but the tumor was too deep, it was found during her yearly mammo.

Celia Yeary said...

GINGER--I can always count on you for a laugh. I don't always respond, but oh, my lord. This torture machine had to have been invented by a man.And, no, a man does not go through this, but have you heard a man describe what he goes theough for a prostate exam? Ewwww.
I gave up mammograms and those other things, too. Okay, I'm old enough to make my own decisions about these things. With both the mammogram and cervical things, doctors have misdiagnosed me more than once, several times, as a matter of fact, so actually, any procedure/surgery I had to go through was because either test...was a mistake. Unneeded.So I stopped. Yes, I'm taking a chance....but I reallllly don't want all that radiation going through my body either.
(I notice Marie was much more graphic than I was able to write...the embarrasment thing....so thank you, Marie.) Celia

Lorrie said...

Yep, we're all sisters in the vice machine and the stirrups.

There has to be an easeir way!!!

Maybe an improvement of the airport machines you have to walk through and they can see everything at once.

Hmm. Scientists, get busy.

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