Saturday, January 5, 2008
Breaking News: Diets Don't Work
Aren't you sick of hearing your doctor tell you to lose weight? I swear I want to punch him. God knows I've done everything possible to be a thin person... it just isn't in the cards for me. If there is a diet out there, I'll bet I've been on it. I've done pills, shots, stomach stapling, even tried Overeaters Anonymous but just couldn't deal with dumping my love of fattening food off on God. There comes a time when you have to accept responsibility for your own bad habits.
After my surgery, I went to a support group to help me deal with becoming suddenly thin. Everyone there claimed to be fat because of various reasons. Some were abused as a child, others were victims of assault, ME...I admitted I was there because my elbow bent to my mouth much too easily... and frequently. I didn't go again after that because it was clear I didn't fit in. I had no one to blame but myself.
I lost a hundred pounds from the surgery, and shortly after that, another two hundred and fifty when my husband decided he liked Jack Daniels better than me. So I wouldn't say that the surgery was a complete loss, but now what I do. Here I am, fifteen years after the surgery with a stomach that holds a fraction of what it used to. I don't eat bread, pasta, rice or french fries...no more hamburgers and hotdogs, and I've gained weight. How fair does that sound? I think calories drift in the air and I swallow them. Is air fattening?
Of course the Doctor tells me all I can do now is exercise. Sure thing. I'll get right on it. I didn't exercise when I was thirty, forty or fifty. I highly doubt that I'm going to become physically active at sixty-two. Besides, after you lose a hundred pounds, the stuff that held up your skin disappeared. In a short-sleeved blouse on a breezy day, I could hurt myself with all that stuff flapping around. Or even injure somebody else.
Did I mention that I was even hypnotized once for weight loss once? Let me quote a portion of my book, Life is a Bowl of Toilets and I Clean Them:
I went to the doctor just knowing he couldn't hypnotize me. Even when he said my neck was starting to feel like melting wax and the only thing I could see was my chest, I still didn't think he could do it. When I rolled out on his examining table like a garden hose, I doubted his ability. There I was, sprawled out, flat on my back, eyes unable to open, and I couldn't have moved if someone yelled 'snake'. I still didn't believe he could do it. You think I would have gotten a hint.
Well, the doctor hypnotized me and told me everything I ate, that I shouldn't, would taste like caster oil... but once I got brave enough to eat a handful of chips, it was all over. He lied. They still tasted like chips.
So my friends, don't waste your money. Hypnosis is a crock. The only thing I lost in that deal was seventy-five bucks. There just isn't an easy answer. I guess I'll give up my dream of being a runway model. *lol*