Are historicals really dead as comments on the internet would have me believe? I truly wonder since most of the excerpt postings on various promotional loops involve heavy sexual content. I imagine I might find some degree of success if I wrote an erotica historical that included a pioneer woman having sex with an alien from Planet Jackoff. But that's not me. I'm just not into BDSM, alien/human, male/male, or female/female romance, and I can't pretend I am.
I tried my hand at writing Erotica. Searchers, offered by Whiskey Creek Press' Torrid line, was my debut/swan song because I'm not comfortable writing in that genre. It took me the longest time to finish that one book because of having to come up with new and inventive ways to describe genitalia, what to do with it, and where to put it. Honestly, I'm just not that creative when it comes to sex. I envy those who are because that seems to be where the money is. But even if I could triple my royalties (and that's not saying a lot), I would probably still write what I know and feel comfortable with--good old romance that leaves something to the imagination.
I guess the easiest way to sum up why I'll never be a successful erotica writer is because of my outlook. Here's an excerpt from Life is a Bowl of Toilets and I Feel Flush that sort of sums it up:
I tried to be a sexual being, but it just doesn't work for me. I think sexuality was the main reason for my first divorce. My sex drive just wasn't compatible with my then husband. If you compared us to automobiles, he was a Ferrari and I was a Volkswagen beetle.
In the beginning of my second marriage, I couldn't keep my hands off my new husband, but that was short-lived. He reminds me of it often, and I, in turn, remind him I provided him with some great memories.
Part of my problem is finding it hard to be sexy when I don't feel good about my body, and I can't recall a time when I ever did. I discovered Victoria's Secret early on, but remember, I don't fit into anything she sells. Some secret! Besides, thongs aren't my thing. I can't even stand when I get a 'wedgie." There are some pieces of clothing that overweight women shouldn't even consider, if for no other reason than common courtesy to your spouse.
(Note: This is not verbatim as the editing on this book sucked.)
Here's a little joke to brighten your day:
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching folks pass by their park bench. Ethel said, “You know Mabel, I have been reading this ‘sex and marriage’ book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there.—that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No…I'm pretty sure we had State Farm.”