Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Possibly the Worst Query Letter I've Ever Written


To Whom It May Concern:

Whew, I finally found time to tell you a little about my latest story, Forget-Me-Not. With all the blogging, writing, critiquing, and returning emails, it’s just hard to find the time to do the really important things. Luckily, today, I’m not inclined to do any of the aforementioned tasks because I’m in the ‘cleaning process’ for my colonoscopy tomorrow. I figured I can keep myself away from the refrigerator and kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Anyhow, I’m sure you’ll love Forget-Me-Not. I think I saw something on your website once—at least I think it was yours—about your passion for stories with the ‘ah’ factor. I’ve captured that in this saga. Oh, excuse me. I have to run to the bathroom. That Fleet’s phosphate is like a time-bomb, except without the timer to warn of the pending explosion.

Okay, I’m back. Where was I? Oh yeah, the 'ah' factor. Boy, I just experienced that myself, but I digress. In the Forget-Me-Not, my heroine’s mom has just croaked, and she’s all choked up and stumbles on some tarnished old pieces of jewelry. After she has them cleaned, she discovers their true meaning, and of course everyone lives HEA. I just know you’ll love it.

I planned to expand more on my credentials, but I feel gas building again and that urge to visit the ladies room looms. As if it wasn’t bad enough ingesting that vile tasting liquid. I’ve never tasted cat’s piss, but I imagine this might come close.

I’m multi-published with internet companies and looking to find someone to get me signed with one of those houses that pay royalties up front. It’s not really about the money, but it sure would be nice to earn some. If you really want to know more about me, then visit my website at http://www.gingersimpson.com. It pretty much sums up my crummy life as an author. Help me out, would you? I really would like my family to believe I’m published.

You can contact me via my website. Gotta run now…and I put emphasis on ‘run’. You’ll understand when you’re doctor browbeats you into an anal tubal invasion.

Sincerely,

Ginger Simpson
P.S. I made this up for Lisa Logan's worst query contest at Romance Junkies. God forbid anyone ever be so stupid as to send something like this. And don’t pirate my story line. It’s really something I’m working on. :)

4 comments:

Tabitha Shay said...

I love it!!....If this doesn't win, I can't imagine anything better...couldn't you just see the look on an agent's face or an ediotr's if they got this query???Good luck tomorrow...loved the loose lips too....Tabs

Estella said...

I feel for you, Ginger. I had a colonscopy about 3 months ago.

Ginger Simpson said...

Estella,
I don't believe it can be any worse that this 'cleansing process'. I've been on the toilet more than I've been in this chair today, and that's pretty scary. *lol*

Ginger

Si's blog said...

Will go see it.

Hope everything comes out all right. Sorry, had to say it.

Tomorrow you need to reward yourself.

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