Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Little Saturday Toilet Humor

Since my Valentine's Day was pretty much in the dumper...I decided not to focus on flowers, candy and never-ending love. You know what I got today? Zero, Zip, Nada! Oh...excuse me...he drew a heart on my desk calendar with a happy face in it. Maybe I should go on Ripley's Believe it or Not. *lol* Anyhow, I've decided to share an oldie but goody with you.

DISCLAIMER: If jokes about toots, poots, and turds upset you, then please don't read any further. As someone who spent many years scurrying up stairs at work, trying to find an unoccupied bathroom, I can totally relate to this. It's a timeless classic, and moments likee these are what inspired my idea for anonymous bathroom shoes:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back> again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


Anonymous said...

So I am in the office the other day and I see my boss sitting in the middle of the room going through so paperwork. As I walk by he looks at me and smiles, not yet realizing he was CROPDUSTED. This operation was almost blown, as I realized a HAVANA OMELETE was imminent! I cant make it to my SAFE HAVEN and head straight to the closest restroom, bypassing my normal FLY-BY.

I Barely get my jeans down when the JAILBREAK begins, ESCAPEES Left and Right and a COURTESY FLUSH at this point is useless, as it is an endless cascade of funk. I mean, this thing is loud, like a water hose filling a kiddy pool. You would never think you would wish it was as simple as a WATERMELON, but it was that bad indeed!

All of a sudden, I hear the door open, and the shuffling of newspapers tells me it was my boss, whom I just CROPDUSTED. I realized a CAMO-COUGH is out of the question. That much coughing would make him think I was choking. He is approaching fast and before I can unleash the ASTAIRE early warning system, this TURD BURGLER is yanking on the door.

This is the only stall in this rather cramped restroom and this UNCLE TED decides to wait me out! Well I'll show him! By the time he left, my legs were asleep and it took me twenty minutes just to be able to shift and use 3/4 roll of TP on this disaster zone that is my pucker. My WALK OF SHAME was extremely shamefull, as I could only manage a very slow pace on wobbly, sleeping legs.

Anonymous said...

I wonder about the guy at the urinal who has the whole world in his hands. His crotch rings, well, his cell phone in his pants pocket rings. He takes a call with one hand while hold his precious in his other. I can't help thinking, there is no way that cell phone hasn't been exposed to willie germs and why not let it go to voicemail at this moment? Regrettably, my timing was off and all I could do was flush. I would have loved to have let loose the kraken at that point, maybe he was getting a call about a job interview...

Everyone knows you "blame the dog" at home. Well, I have two daogs and they could essily clear out Baghdad. I swear you can see a mist when they're at work. They have innocent little faces and as a result, I get blamed! I wouldn't mind but where is the fun in that?


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