Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday Mania

Thanks to the stimulus package and that whopping tax rebate we'll see in our paychecks, you can bet there will be some budget cuts to cover the savings. Don't be surprised if you find your office has been redone over the weekend.

Oh, and here in Tennessee, that remarkable amount to stimulate our personal economy equates to about $14.80 per paycheck. I can't stimulate much more than burgers for two at McDonalds. *lol* But I can rest easy knowing that 2 billion has been allocated for car battery research, 3.4 billions for carbon capture experiments, 500 million to update the computer center at the Social Security Administration (what the hell does that computer do?) and $200 million to help rural Americans buy homes. Shouldn't they have jobs first? And what about us poor slobs who rent? Wanna do something for us? There's a novel idea.

Here's some other changes being handed down...or so I'm told:

EFFECTIVE March 1, 2009


Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

If we can't change things, I guess we can still try to find something to laugh about. :)

1 comment:

Martha Eskuchen said...

Yep--- we have to keep a sense of humor!! Can't believe someone (you?) built your new office equipment!!! Some savings there! LOL!!

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