Christmas Past

The trash cans are stuffed with wrapping paper, the tree looks sad and forlorn without all the gifts under it. Sort of matches my mood. The leftovers are stacked in the fridge...probably will stay there until they grow mold and I throw them out, and I feel such diappointment.

This was perhaps the worst Christmas I've had in a long time.  I still have the spirit and belief in the holiday, but I was sorely disappointed in how everything turned out.  I had planned to have Christmas Dinner here, but because of a misunderstanding, I thought my son's in-laws were coming to their house again, as they always have.  I wanted it to be just us for one year, so I switchedto  Christmas Eve.  My sister, her boyfriend and son were supposed to come and spend the night, but that didn't happen. She and her son came, but her boyfriend went to his family's.  Her son had worked all night, needed to sleep so went to bed. My sis has never been much of a Christmas person...considers herself more Jewish, so she didn't like the Christmas music I insisted we play, thought the ham and rolls tasted funny, and probably wished she'd stayed home. I sort of got the feeling no one wanted to be there. I really missed the phone call I usually got from my ex-husband who passed away in May.  He was never much of a Christmas person either, but he always called to wish me well.  I still feel the loss of him.

My son,  his wife and the three children they share came, but my son was tired, his wife was not in a very good mood, their oldest son was bored, and the middle one was disappointed I didn't have more games for the PlayStation and more shrimp for him to devour. They're my step sons so I never get them as many gifts as I do Spencer, and I think the middle child resents me for that.  He used to like me when he was younger, but now, he's like a stranger.

 The only bright light in the entire group was Spencer.  He was his usual chipper self, thanked me for every gift he got, for the dinner he ate, and loved everything he opened.  Next year, I think I'll invite just him.  :)

My sister and her son left first, deciding not to spend the night after all, and my son fell asleep in the chair a short time before he woke up and they went home.   I was actually glad they all left since nothing seemed to go as I planned.

My son said nothing about the many gifts I gave him, his wife either.  Their middle one never seems pleased with anything I give him, and although the eldest hugged me when they left, again, it was Spencer who gave me joy.  I suppose my sister liked her gifts, and her son did seem pleased with his, but something was terribly lacking...in fact, for the first time in a long time, I didn't say the mandatory prayer I insist upon at Christmas dinner.

It's almost 9:00 Christmas night.  I never heard from my oldest son and his wife, despite sending them gift cards and as much love as I could pack into my letter.  Neither of Kelly's sons bothered to call, nor did any of them take the time to buy a Christmas card and invest in forty-two cents to mail it to us.  I usually call my mother and brother, but this time I waited to see if they would.  They didn't.  And I'm especially sad that this marks three years since my other sister has spoken to me, and I still have no idea what I did.

Christmas is supposed to be a time for love and joy, but this year, I just didn't feel it.  Instead I felt the gaping hole that death, rifts and distance have caused.  Maybe next year things will be different.  At sixty-six, I hope I'm here.  The passing of my ex showed me just how fleeting life is, but you know what...as long as I draw a breath, Christmas will always be my favorite time of the year, and no one can dim my belief.  No one!  Those who don't believe are the ones who seem to have a gaping hole where their faith should be.