Wednesday, September 22, 2010

No Show Guest - So It's My Turn

SPAM! I hate it, yet like everyone else, I’m forced to endure it.  And I'm not talking about the kind that comes in a can...although I'm not overly fond of fake ham either.

The problem is I have to weed through junk to find messages from friends and associates that have a meaning for me. My mail server insists on sending random posts to either my SPAM or Trash folder. Just this morning I found a very important contract that might have cost me a substantial amount of money had I not noticed it. maybe I stretched the truth a little.  Substantial seems a little much...but I could have lost a future Happy Meal from McDonalds. 

Scanning 600 plus emails is not fun. I’m amazed at the array of ridiculous promises in the subject lines alone. Several people have posted, promising to ‘cleanse my colon.’ Thanks, but been there, done that, and in my opinion, the condition of my colon is between me and my doctor and not up for debate. Anytime you see colon and cleanse together in a sentence…run! Think of: time/bomb, blow/up, fire/works.

Look! I can get financial aid and earn my online degree (and at this age) and erase all my debts, too. Let’s not forget I can ‘get money overnight’, ‘free smokes’ and my ‘TRUE LOVE AWAITS’. I hope my husband doesn’t find out. Heck, I didn’t even know.

Let’s see, I can ‘attend culinary school’ and ‘become a great chef.’ Or, I can ‘save money on a new SUV.’ Wait, there’s an offer to ‘save $$$ at the gas pump.’ Hmmm, seems like if I take advantage of both of those offers, I’m defeating an important purpose. Gas guzzlers or saving gas! Decisions, decisions. The chef thing is definitely out. I hate to cook.

Swell! I can ‘order on-line drugs’ to help lose weight, but then that conflicts with the post telling me ‘men love full-figured women.’ Yeah, right. Probably the same ones who’re looking for people with weight problems. OH, and definitely I can’t overlook the one thousand emails from South Africa, London, and Nigeria asking for my bank information so I can ‘claim that exclusive lottery money’ that’s in my name alone. With all that cash, I can reel in a man without losing weight.

Gee, I can hardly contain my glee. I’ve been awarded a ‘free gift card’ to shop at Costco, Walmart, Target and Kohls. Like I’m falling for that. I didn’t tumble off a turnip truck yesterday. It was last month and the knot on my head is almost healed.

Hey…a ‘free poker pass’! That’ll come in handy if I take that drug for restless leg syndrome and develop the gambling addiction they warn about in their commercials. Oh, great, there are fifteen more ‘Detoxify Your Body’ posts. I’m pretty sure it’s the ‘Colon Cleanse’ ad disguising itself for those faint at heart people like me.

I guess SPAM is something we’re going to have to live with. It used to come stuffed inside your bills via the US Postal Service, but now that many are doing everything online, advertisers had to find a way to continue to annoy us. It’s working on me, how about you? I guess laughter is the best way to deal with it. It’s the best medicine you know, regardless of what they tell you


Anonymous said...

Lucky for the readers today there is a no show. Nothing better than hearing your take on things. I am still laughing over your description of your substantial lose.

Patricia Stoltey said...

So true! We embrace technology and it wants to bite us. The same thing applies to social media and the risks we take every time we click on a link. Timely post, Ginger.


MuseItUp Publishing said...

I abhor spammers and those that grab email addresses and bug the beegeebees out of everyone. Time to get a life.

And if they would spam at least get it right--no amount of penis enhancement will get me to enlarge. I may have 'balls' for a lot of things but growing them will never happen.

Heather Haven said...

You are so clever and witty, it almost defies description. Lots of laughs. I hope we have a few more no shows. You are too fun.

Charlie said...

Absolutely delighful. Enjoyed the light-hearted read and feeling it all right along with you... spam. Wonder how Webster defines it now? I'll have to look it up. grin...

Mary Ann said...

I hate the spam mail, too. Especially those that come to me from my own email address! I don't really understand how that happens but it does. I get them daily. But, I do have to add that most of them go to my Spam folder and not my Inbox. My email provider has a pretty good spam blocking service. But, some of my regular mail gets sent there, too, and most of it is from yahoo groups of which I am a member. Can't win for losing!

Lisabet Sarai said...

Hi, Ginger,

I've started to get spam in French and German! Wonder why they think that it will influence me?

Seriously, though, if you want to reduce your spam, one of the best ways is to ditch free email providers. Yes, I know, that costs money, but for as little as $5 per year you can park a domain at my hosting company and get an email address at "" that will be much less likely to attract the dreaded ham-flavored snack!

The other thing to do (and I think you've already discovered this) is not post your actual email address in plain text anywhere on the web. Use an image or disguise the address.

Still, your spam menu definitely made me giggle!


Anonymous said...

What, you've not had the --

"Dearly Beloved, you don't know me, but I need your help to claim my late husband's estate of fifteen million dollars ($15,000,000) ..." etc etc?

They are almost as bad as all the friend requests I had on Bebo from young ladies with unusual names who wanted me to see their pictures.

Chris H.

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