No Show Guest - So It's My Turn

SPAM! I hate it, yet like everyone else, I’m forced to endure it.  And I'm not talking about the kind that comes in a can...although I'm not overly fond of fake ham either.

The problem is I have to weed through junk to find messages from friends and associates that have a meaning for me. My mail server insists on sending random posts to either my SPAM or Trash folder. Just this morning I found a very important contract that might have cost me a substantial amount of money had I not noticed it. Okay...so maybe I stretched the truth a little.  Substantial seems a little much...but I could have lost a future Happy Meal from McDonalds. 

Scanning 600 plus emails is not fun. I’m amazed at the array of ridiculous promises in the subject lines alone. Several people have posted, promising to ‘cleanse my colon.’ Thanks, but been there, done that, and in my opinion, the condition of my colon is between me and my doctor and not up for debate. Anytime you see colon and cleanse together in a sentence…run! Think of: time/bomb, blow/up, fire/works.

Look! I can get financial aid and earn my online degree (and at this age) and erase all my debts, too. Let’s not forget I can ‘get money overnight’, ‘free smokes’ and my ‘TRUE LOVE AWAITS’. I hope my husband doesn’t find out. Heck, I didn’t even know.

Let’s see, I can ‘attend culinary school’ and ‘become a great chef.’ Or, I can ‘save money on a new SUV.’ Wait, there’s an offer to ‘save $$$ at the gas pump.’ Hmmm, seems like if I take advantage of both of those offers, I’m defeating an important purpose. Gas guzzlers or saving gas! Decisions, decisions. The chef thing is definitely out. I hate to cook.

Swell! I can ‘order on-line drugs’ to help lose weight, but then that conflicts with the post telling me ‘men love full-figured women.’ Yeah, right. Probably the same ones who’re looking for people with weight problems. OH, and definitely I can’t overlook the one thousand emails from South Africa, London, and Nigeria asking for my bank information so I can ‘claim that exclusive lottery money’ that’s in my name alone. With all that cash, I can reel in a man without losing weight.

Gee, I can hardly contain my glee. I’ve been awarded a ‘free gift card’ to shop at Costco, Walmart, Target and Kohls. Like I’m falling for that. I didn’t tumble off a turnip truck yesterday. It was last month and the knot on my head is almost healed.

Hey…a ‘free poker pass’! That’ll come in handy if I take that drug for restless leg syndrome and develop the gambling addiction they warn about in their commercials. Oh, great, there are fifteen more ‘Detoxify Your Body’ posts. I’m pretty sure it’s the ‘Colon Cleanse’ ad disguising itself for those faint at heart people like me.

I guess SPAM is something we’re going to have to live with. It used to come stuffed inside your bills via the US Postal Service, but now that many are doing everything online, advertisers had to find a way to continue to annoy us. It’s working on me, how about you? I guess laughter is the best way to deal with it. It’s the best medicine you know, regardless of what they tell you

Why Am I Wasting My Time?

According to 46 offers in my SPAM box, the country is in dire need of CSI agents. As unbelievable as it seems, I could be solving crimes, collecting DNA and matching bullets in the same style as Gil Grissom in a very short time. Well, not really the same style...he's an actor, but he's leaving the CSI show. Maybe I could take his spot. Oh, but the offer was only to be a CSI agent. Shoot.

Maybe I should take Kaplan University up on any of their thirty odd invites to get a degree. Nah, I've already been in an educational setting for more years than I care to admit. It's totally over-rated. What would I do with a higher degree at this stage of my life. Become a brain-surgeon? Nope...I hate blood.

Hmmm, maybe I could respond to one of the fifty-three offers to try Pedi-paws. Who knew it would be so easy to clip a dog's nails. But then, I don't have a dog, so that's out.

Perhaps I should ditch my husband and try one of the 200 offers to join the Black Dating, Christian Dating or Sexy Singles sites. Maybe I could find someone with money this time around. *lol* No...it's taken me thirteen years to train him...I think I'll keep him, money or not.

I could always click on one of those offers to make money with Ebay or Craigslist, but I don't have anything to sell. I already tried listing one of my books and didn't get a single bid. That's pretty embarrassing. They say you can sell anything on ebay. Evidently not!

Okay, so I got a little carried away, but at least I've stopped harping on all the offers to cleanse my colon. I just never realized so many people were interested in my butt. Now I just have to figure out how to make them ALL go away. I had 653 SPAM messages in two days. Oy Vey!!!!

I guess since I stopped paying my bills through the mail and have gone ebills on most of the debts I owe...all those people who used to add those tons of annoying little flyers along with my invoices have to find some way to get back at me. Spam must be it.

There Should Be A Law!

Thought I'd share the email I sent to a few friends. Hey...if you don't laugh at SPAM, it can drive you crazy. I do think there should be a law against people promising you tons of money, though.

Great News, I just received an email from Nigeria,telling me that I've been selected to inherit ten million dollars. Of course this is about the fiftieth one this month, but this one is filled with Bible verses and the woman is dying of cancer with no heirs, so it must be true. I almost didn't see it, mixed among the emails researching the cleanliness of my colon, asking if I want to enlarge my penis (don't have one, but how kind of them to inquire) and offering to share nude photographs with me. How blessed I am that so many care about my financial situation. Right below the notification of my immediate wealth was notice on how to cease debt collections and advice on how to earn a respectable living as a police officer. Amidst the joy and caring, I'm just really concerned about who is spreading rumors about my dirty colon.

Hope I gave you a giggle. Have a great weekend.