Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas Shopping

Go ahead and hate me. My Christmas shopping’s been pretty much done since about November 20th.

I can now spend my time sitting back and watching irritated shoppers in the stores, trying to find that perfect gift for someone who probably doesn’t even want it.

Have you ever just watched people in the stores? My daughter and I went shopping on Black Friday (cue scary music) just to see what it was like. We didn’t go to a very crowded store, but whenever someone was talking on the cell phone, my daughter and I would finish their sentences out of their earshot. So, for example, if someone said, “Should I get her a blue blouse,” my daughter and I would move away and answer her with something like, “No, she’ll puke milk out her nose if she gets the blue blouse. You should know better, lady!”

My daughter gets angry at little old ladies who stand right in front of her when she’s trying to shop. She’s tiny, so they push her out of the way. With me—not tiny in the least. I stand where I want to, inching right up to obnoxious people to make them move, just for fun.

It reminds me of an email I’ve been sent more than once. In case you haven’t read it yet, it’s hilarious. I changed the dates to be more festive, giving you fun shopping excursion ideas right up to a few days before Christmas.

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING (written by the man in question):

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. August 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. September 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. September 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom then to the kitchen knives.

4. September 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. October 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. October 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. October 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. October 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. November 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

So the next time you’re bored when shopping, remember…there are ways to enjoy yourself, even if it does result in being banned from the store.

Andie Alexander (www.andiealexander.com)

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